DAMARIS DEERE COLHOUN is a struggling Columbia Journalism Review part time writer can’t make her rent payment in Brooklyn, she picks up the phone and calls her dad Michael Deere Colhoun in tears: “Daddy, my life is so fucked up! I am really short again this month. I need some cash, please!” Damaris Deere Colhoun begs for money, like a “Deere in the headlights.”
Between hangover, high on molly pills and daily bar hopping in her mid 30s, the freelance writer Damaris Colhoun has a “free spirit” – entrusting her life career to some illusory “divine power” bestowed by Columbia Journalism School – a popular program that churns out graduates who are loaded up with school loans however are mostly unemployable in the real world.
“Who needs another sensational writer who can only spit out bullshit and nonsense?” said Roddy Boyd, a notorious tabloid writer. “Get real! Facts don’t freaking matter. Writers are tools for their publishers, like slaves kneeling before their masters. Why do you think Michael Bloomberg never gets bad press? Because he owns the press!”
“Some may agree Damaris Colhoun is a complete loser. She has it all: an expensive and useless education, a liberal sex life with anything that moves, and yike! – an unflattering face covered with loads of freckles like someone showered with a 28-gauge shotgun…”
Despite a challenging appearance that leaves almost any man speechless and quickly walks away, Damaris Colhoun belongs to the lucky few. As her classmates struggle to feed themselves with reporters salaries of hardly $40,000 a year, Damaris Colhoun has little worries over money – she was born with a rusty silver spoon in the mouth.
DAMARIS COLHOUN, LEGACY OF A GHOST, ALLEGATIONS OF FRAUD
DAMARIS DEERE COLHOUN was produced out of wedlock in the legacy of a ghost – a dead man more than a century ago. She is the great, great, great granddaughter of John Deere, the farm tractor company founded in 1837. Damaris’ father Michaela Deere Colhoun and mother Mary Colhoun owned Landmark Vineyards in California, a lousy wine business notoriously known for its sour Chardonnay with an alcohol content much higher than normal. Sources say the business struggled for years until it was sold in 2011 due to poor management, daily hangover of its owners and alleged cocaine use. A fierce battle over control of its sour grapes almost killed the opaque outfit. It was then, Damaris Colhoun vowed to get a degree in journalism to tout the already doomed family business.
“I know shit about numbers. I have no brain for business,” Damaris Colhoun said to a source. “But I can BS my way out of a journalism school, I think. Any idiot can write, right?”
Damaris Colhoun finally graduated from Columbia Journalism School – at the bottom of her class. Then the job market crashed. She couldn’t find anything. A poor writing skill set full of grammatical errors didn’t fare better. It’s well known within Columbia University that journalism students are mainly losers with bloody eyes glaring at business school graduates with jealousy. “Fuck me, it sucks!” Damaris Colhoun yelled at a classmate.”We are bunch of losers. The business school buys make the big bucks.” Damaris Colhoun was in trouble. But her dad was even worse.
Unconfirmed sources say Michael Deere Colhoun was in deep shit of his own. He was arrested, charged with bilking investors out of millions of dollars in a Bernie-Madoff-styled ponzi scheme. Investors’ money was wasted on Damaris Colhoun, weeds and cocaine. Colhoun’s mother Mary Colhoun was devastated. The Colhoun family was forced to sell Landmark Vineyards to the alleged Russian mafia to cover mounting legal bills. Left with a rusty John Deere tractor made in 1943, the Colhouns moved to Los Angeles.
DAMARIS COLHOUN found herself walking the streets of Brooklyn – totally broke. It was a nightmare. Life was hard and she had enough. Damaris Colhoun returned to California and soaked her brain in Chardonnay.
“Bathing in the California sun and depressed, Damari Deere Colhoun was a daily “Deere in the headlights” after 3 pm.
Between cocaine, alcohol and occasional intimate rendezvous with a grape picker boy named Jose Rodriguez from El Salvador half her age, sources say Damaris Colhoun enjoyed a boring life, praying hard for the next big thing to fall into her pants.
LOVE, SEX, HULK HOGAN
In March 2016, Damaris Colhoun woke up from her afternoon nap and sprang into action: “OMG! It’s Hulk in the news! He just won $140 million! I want him so bad.” She laid her eyes on Hulk Hogan, her hero since childhood. Hulk Hogan is a well known wrestler who has just won $140 million in damages from Gawker for publishing his sex tape, it was seen as a victory over snarky New York media. The case has become a symbol of something else: a shadowy war on tabloid press that’s wrestled down by Hulk Hogan.
“What’s the big F* deal with watching Hogan fuckking an old bitch? I wish it were me with Hogan,” Damaris Colhoun told a friend in a big laugh. “Hulk! Bend me over, come, take me now!! ”
What happened next with Damaris Colhoun is a vivid illustration of just how easy it is for anyone with a little fantasy, after a few glasses of Chardonnay to “dream big” about getting in bed with Hulk Hogan. Damaris Colhoun understands that the best way to turn her fairy tale into a reality is to get behind Hulk Hogan in a media war.
Nasty she became, Damaris Colhoun went after Gawker with a vengeance, calling the media outlet unworthy of “free speech.”
When challenged by Gawker about the accuracy of her stories, Damaris Colhoun fought back:
“Journalism is not about getting the stories right or about the facts. It’s about burning the eyeballs of our stupid CJR readers. Facts don’t sell papers! Just look at my face!”
Enough said. Columbia Journalism Review seems to agree with Colhoun and has declined to comment. Columbia Journalism Review may be the work of Damaris Colhoun possessed by a woman’s fantasy love towards Hulk Hogan, but it’s also a spawn of the digital age, and bolstered by the First Amendment. The efforts finally paid off. Hulk Hogan started to focus his attention on Damaris Colhoun. Using Twitter, Colhoun barely collected 600 followers. No one cares about her, and no one seems to give a damn about what Damaris Colboun has to say.
YONI WEISS, FAILED EXTORTION, COCAINE USER SPONSOR
YONI WEISS is a lousy graphic designer who was fired in 2014 from a short term, part time job for sponsoring a cocaine user. The aspiring gay filed a complaint with the EEOC and the frivolous claim was immediately dumped in the trash – dismissed for lack of evidence. Upon hearing Damaris Colhoun’s love affair with Hulk Hogan, he could hardly hold back his own passion: “OMG! Hulk is so hot! But he is too big for me. He freaked me out,” Yoni Weiss said to a source. But rather than backing down, according to sources, Yoni Weiss says Damaris Colhoun was enthusiastic. “Damaris Colhoun was like, ‘No, that means Hulk Hogan is the right size of a guy that will fill me up perfectly! Oh dear!”
“In a desperate extortion attempt, YONI WEISS was pitched by a notorious tiny law firm to blackmail a former employer. The money-grubbing shakedown was thrown out of court.”
ALICIA LU is an Asian writer walking around with a huge jaw that makes her face look like a can of Tuna fish ready for a mixed salad. After a five month stint as an unqualified editor, she lost her job. The loser experience didn’t stop her from expressing her views about YONI WEISS: “Money is money. Who gives a shit where the dough comes from. Extortion? Be it. Sponsoring a cocaine user at work? Big deal? Who doesn’t get a bump these days? Don’t blame the gay guy for trying the shortcut to riches! I did that myself.”
No one cares about Yoni Weiss’s sexual preference, but unconfirmed sources say Damaris Colhoun’s fantasy towards Hogan may emerge from a childhood conspiracy Colhoun often invokes, one that places her as the victim of a child sex abuse allegedly committed by her own father Michael Deere Colhoun. Outlandish as her claim may be, Damaris Colhoun finds herself having a tough time in life.
DAMARIS COLHOUN, THE BARKING DOG, “HOES AINT’T LOYAL”
Damaris Colhoun seems unstoppable, even when she loses. In a sordid, headline-grabbing experience her father MICHAEL DEERE COLHOUN allegedly had involving his financial fraud, Damaris Colboun was accused of colluding with her father to cheat people out of their life savings. But it didn’t stop Damaris Colhoun from publishing screeds against her accusers. Even now, as Colhoun faces allegations of fraud, cocaine use, sexual misconduct and outright fabricated “news,” Damaris Colhoun continues to pursue Hulk Hogan.
The life of Damaris Colhoun may be the work of a desperate woman possessed by revenge, but it’s also a spawn of the digital age, and bolstered by the First Amendment. Sad? Yes. A pathetic loser? Correct. A real “Deere lost in the headlights?” Oh Yeah!
Yet Damaris Colhoun keeps churning out content, the monster child of an information landscape where publishing is cheap, speech is protected, the internet doesn’t forget (getting Google to remove defamatory content is largely a hopeless task), and anyone can be a media “whore” like Damaris Colhoun.
“Look, Damaris Colhoun is expressing herself,” said Dune Lawrence, a tabloid writer implicated in several stock frauds. “How can you stop a dog with rabies from barking aloud? That, I give Damaris Colhoun some credit.”
“Media is like a bitch. Unless you slap it hard, she will always go F* the next mate,” said Roddy Boyd. “Chris Brown is right. ‘Hoes aint’t loyal.” Facts don’t matter. Suck it up Damaris Colhoun!”
Damaris Colhoun has declined repeated requests for comment. Michael Deere Colhoun couldn’t be reached for comment. Columbia Journalism Review has declined requests for comment.
Free speech baby. Damaris Colhoun, enjoy! Hoes aint’t loyal… Chris Brown is right.